Self-Empathy | How to Hold Space for Yourself
Self-empathy is a powerful technique designed to dissolve the shame around self-judgement and judgement of others, around our rage directed outwards and anger turned inwards, and around all our ‘undesirable’ thoughts and feelings.
“By beginning to look so clearly and so honestly at ourselves – our emotions, at our thoughts, at who we really are – we begin to dissolve the walls that separate us from others.” ~ Pema Chödrön
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STEP 1 - THOUGHTS ABOUT THEM
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- They are so… (judgement).
- They always/ never… (generalisation)
STEP 2 - THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU
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- What’s wrong with me?
- Why does this always happen to me?
- I should have done or said something differently.
Steps 1 and 2 allow movement from repression to expression. If we don’t consciously make space for these stories, they may form an unconscious narrative which narrows our soul. The more we smother our stories, shoulding and shaming ourselves out of divulging the dialogue, the more our stories silently constrict us.
STEP 3 - YOUR FEELINGS AND NEEDS
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3.1 – Feelings
Staying with yourself, place your hands over your heart and start to connect with your feelings. What is happening in your body? Are you experiencing any tensions, tightness or constriction?
Notice the somatic sensations beneath the stories. Can you start to guess your feelings? Are you feeling agitated, angry, upset? Hopeless, overwhelmed, confused? Disheartened, disappointed, distressed?
By naming our emotions we start to diffuse their charge and lessen the intensity of their grip.
Psychologist Dan Siegel calls this practise ‘name it to tame it’. Translating our feelings into words helps us to witness the wisdom of our emotional rainbow. We start to see our feelings rather than be our feelings.
If we don’t name it to tame it, we may be denying or avoiding our feelings, which doesn’t actually make them go away. Unarticulated or suppressed feelings may then transmute into silent screams within our souls, seeking expression some other way.
NOTE – Most of us have been conditioned to erroneously identify our thoughts as our feelings. Most people do it. It’s a deeply ingrained habit. And until I started learning about Non-Violent Communication (NVC) I did it all the time too. It’s a habit that’s hard to break!
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Common pitfalls when naming feelings…
• that, like, as, if – eg. I feel that you should know better. I feel like a failure.
• pronouns – I, you, he, she, they, them, it – eg. I feel you shouldn’t have done that. I feel he behaved badly.
• names or nouns referring to people – eg. I feel Tom has been inappropriate. I feel my coach isn’t listening to me.
Feelings are also not interpretations. Words like bullied, ignored, misunderstood, abandoned, manipulated, unappreciated, invisible are ‘technically’ not feelings. They denote an interpretation of the actions of another person.
• If I’m ‘feeling bullied’ I may actually be feeling upset, terrified, lonely.
• If I’m ‘feeling abandoned’ I may actually be feeling hurt, lonely and scared.
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3.2 Needs
Slowly move your hands down to your belly and start to name the needs beneath your thoughts and feelings.
For example:
• If I’m feeling angry, I might be needing reciprocity, consideration and to be heard.
• If I’m feeling disappointed, I might be needing nurturance, compassion and to matter.
“Our needs and our values are our life force – the river that flows through our spirit and our life, giving life and light to our being.” ~ Robert Gonzales
Say out loud to yourself each need word that resonates with you, pausing between each word, breathing into the resonance and what it feels like in your body.
eg. ‘To matter’ then breathe into it, sensing into what ‘to matter’ feels like in your body.
It’s very normal at this point for our minds to interject and start pulling our attention back into thought. If new thoughts and new judgements start to pop in, gently tend to them and return to Step 1 or 2.
This is rarely a neatly packaged, linear process. Our minds may bounce around, scattered and unfocused, but know that that’s ‘normal’. That’s our humanity.
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When you come back to your needs, with your hands on your belly, see if you can be with that felt sensation.
When we connect deeply with our needs we may experience a tangible shift in energy.
We may feel a dissipation of tension, and a lightness and spaciousness bloom from within. We may experience a relief from heaviness and a sense of peace and ease.
Keep going until you experience a shift.
“It is a radical shift to embrace any reactivity we experience and not make an enemy of it. Rather than saying ‘I must get over this, get rid of this’ or ‘I must heal this’, we go toward our reactivity and see it as our life force expressing in us, saying, ‘See me, allow me’. Our liberation, our freedom is in attending to our greatest fears with an allowing presence. The action of turning toward that which we perceive as the block in our lives is the act of self-compassion.” ~ Robert Gonzales
STEP 4 - THEIR FEELINGS AND NEEDS
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“The fiery intensity at the heart of anger asks neither for smothering nor mere discharge, but for a mindful embrace that does not require any dilution of passion, any lowering of the heat, nor any muting of the essential voice in the flames.” ~ Robert Augustus
We need to meet our feelings in order to transform them. By ostracising, disowning or bypassing our feelings, they will remain undigested and unintegrated and we will stay stuck.
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Once we have processed our genuine response to a person or situation we can then move into humanising the other and offering them the same empathic response we offered ourselves.
We start to guess their feelings and needs as well, behind their behaviour and their words.
Judgements and blaming may start to pop again, in which case we loop back to steps 1 and 2, remembering this is rarely a linear process.
For example:
• They may be feeling overwhelmed and exasperated because they’re needing support and recognition.
•They may be feeling frustrated and upset because they’re needing to be heard and appreciated.
The possibilities are endless and our guesses are just guesses. But by extending the empathic lens to the other person, as well as ourselves, we invite a free-flowing compassion that runs both ways.
“Empathy allows us to re-perceive our world in a new way and move forward. Every message, regardless of form or content, is an expression of a need. When we fear punishment, we focus on consequences, not on our own values. Self-judgments, like all judgments, are tragic expressions of unmet needs.” ~ Marshall Rosenberg
Olivia is passionate about all things healing. Having spent the last 12 years on a personal recovery journey from substance abuse and self-harming, she has a uniquely gentle and compassionate insight into this world.
She believes that connection with others and connection with ourselves is at the root of all healing and uses different modalities to explore this essential truth – 1:1 and group Breathwork, women’s healing circles, creative arts.
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